Friday, September 10, 2010


This is the battleground…

I have never been in a state of such financial distress. I have never had much money, but being very smart with my money and budgeting has allowed me to keep from ever going into debt and confident that, though I won’t have much leftover, I will have enough to cover any bills.

It is a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach to know that no amount of money management can compensate for earning less than your living expenses. I’ve already spent weeks with one meal a day and no extra driving (aside from work). It’s strange to see your hard work and education turn to dust and everything you’ve saved up disappear until there is only one rent payment left before you are officially broke.

I got my paycheck from the gym today and it is half of what I usually make and less than half of my rent. In the past few days, I have also been informed that the trip to Seattle for the COTN conference is not going to be covered. I am still going, we just cannot affect the 2010 budget. In a sense that’s good to know for the future. Now that I am on staff I should be covered in the following years. However, Holly is taking the brunt of this by putting Amber and I on her credit card and once we start raising money, we will need to pay her back. A temporary fix, but a workable one.

            I have seen Holly give so much of herself throughout this process, even when I know that she doesn’t have much to give. I am amazed at her resilience. The sacrifice of our team and willingness to do so captivates me. What are we capable of? Mustard seeds growing into a field of wildflowers, becoming wider and more beautiful with every season.

            I know I over-stress my finances. But I want to get my COTN account started now. I love personal training, but there is no way it can support me in this endeavor. As soon as I am able, I need to leave the gym so I can transfer my time and efforts to COTN. Sometimes I see these obstacles in hindsight although I am not yet through them. I pull myself out of the situation and think how utterly ridiculous this all is, that I must worry first about funds before human lives.

But oh… what we can do once we get there.

Often times God demonstrates His faithfulness in adversity by providing for us what we need to survive. He does not change our painful circumstances. He sustains us through them. – Charles Stanley

1 comment:

  1. Reading this does not do my heart any good and I worry about you alot. But I must say I'm proud of you for at least making the attempt and following what God has revieled to you. I just have to remember as I have prayed many times before, "Lord she is in your hands now". While that doesn't totally remove my anxiety about your situation, it does make me feel a comfort knowing you are being watched over.