Yesterday was a full day of COTN. I met with Holly in the morning to start our day with a run. It was good to get outside my apartment (even in the rain) and forget about my problems for a while. In the unusual San Diego drizzle, the ocean met the sky and it seemed like the clouds were breaking and washing up on shore. Sometimes when I’m out I start to think, “If I could just run forever… never stop… leave all my stresses behind…”
We had our first Field Service weekly conference meeting. There were a few glitches trying to get everyone into the same conference session online, but it turned out well. I’m excited to see how these weekly meetings come together. Eventually we will have it figured out and it will be more structured, but it went well. It’s great to hear everyone working to bring everything full-circle.
We all know the things we need to get done and the things we need to have accomplished by others to aid in our own progress. The willingness of this group of people to jump on top of the issues and tackle them amazes me. It’s not like other jobs where the work is grudgingly done. We all see the need and we all want to fix the problem.
I spent the rest of the day with Holly typing up contact information, going over event details, assigning responsibilities, and swapping more emails than should be allowed in one day. We worked until well after the sun went down and by the time I got home around 7:30pm I was ready for a cup of tea and a movie to unwind.
This life right now is like quicksand. The more I struggle to gain footing, the deeper I sink. I find a promising branch to grab hold of and it breaks off in my hand. I found a roommate, but now work and finances have decided it’s their turn to dissolve before my eyes. I know my current job is in the way of my progress with COTN and my relationship with God. I hate it. I can’t believe I could put so many hours into something and get so little out of it. Financially and spiritually. It’s sucking me dry. Putting COTN on top of a swaying pile of To Do lists isn’t helping COTN either. I keep pressing on towards the day when it will be COTN held firmly in my hands.
I feel like Peter watching Jesus walk away as I start sinking beneath the waves. The clouds and the sea are becoming one and drowning me on every side. I look up and see Jesus and want to believe so badly but all these worldly things are weighing me down and I am doubting that I can make it. I just have to keep my head above water and my eyes focused on Christ. He WILL come back for me. I believe that with all my heart. Even though I have no idea how I am going to make ends meet, He will provide and this is the path He wants me to be following.
Of all the struggles this past week, the accomplishment I was most happy about is that I was able to tithe to Flood. To have something… anything… to give back to a church that has given so much to me means everything.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11