Welcome to the new year! After a very successful and slightly stressful (slightly might be an understatement) end to 2010, here we are ready to jump into a brand new year for the San Diego office.
I had a bit of an awakening when I arrived back in San Diego after the holidays. Honestly, I’m not that surprised. The stresses of the relays and my lack of personal support had taken its toll on me. It was expressed to me that there was concern that I have a defeatist attitude and am a negative person. It was quite a blow, but as I said, I’m not that surprised.
The problem is… I’m not really a negative person. I’m actually very hopeful. I think it’s that I often allow myself to be overly rational. I wouldn’t say that I have a defeatist attitude, I just recognize when certain things aren’t working. I don’t want to quit, but I need the ability to back up and get a better angle. Sometimes you can bang your head against a wall but you won’t get through it until you back up to see the door.
When things aren’t working, I simply think it’s time to reassess. It’s what we keep hearing in church: God may not be saying “no”, but he may say “Not right now.” When things start falling apart and I am not seeing any improvement on the horizon, rationality says, “It’s time to rethink this. Either do something different or regroup and try when situations are better.”
Things were coming so fast in December with all the different events and sales that there was really no time to step back and regroup. I kept pushing at the wall praying that I could keep it from falling over and crushing us all. However, standing that close was keeping me from seeing anything but the wall and I believe I was losing sight of the good around me. Actually… I had even discussed this with another staff member.
I had never lost faith. I went back and read my past blogs. There was still hope under all the stress. Even when I wake up and I don’t know how things will work out, I thank God that there is breath in my lungs. When rationality is telling me, “You need to try something different.” and I am unable to, I find it difficult to act like everything is ok.
However, I don’t think that God is necessarily a rational God. When things seem impossible and out of comprehension, God doesn’t even bat an eyelash. “Swim the red sea?... Naw, you’re going walk through it.” I believe that what God wants will come to pass, but I also believe that God doesn’t expect us to be foolish. It’s finding that line that is so difficult.
I’ve finally made the decision to quit the gym. I am so relieved, but at the same time so nervous. I am glad I no longer have to be a salesman or constantly making a commute I can barely afford just to get to a job that ends up being wasted hours that I don’t even get paid for. This takes such a load off my chest, but places some additional weight on my shoulders.
I have to move out in order to afford to live. I desperately feel like I need another job, but I need to have Mondays for COTN and I need the time for my private clients. And the randomness of my clients makes it difficult to find a job with hours I can work around. I have to believe that God has great plans for me. He has already blessed me with the opportunity to clean a home for some extra income. Thankfully the success of the Ripple Relay is getting me to Haiti and the DR.
I’m actually going! I’m going to the countries that I’ve wanted to get to for so long. Though I often don’t know His plan, there is no way God will let me fail. God is good! Holly asked me if I believe that statement…