10/12/10

            It seems that God continues to find ways to humble me. After the energy from Sunday’s Impact meeting, I stayed up until 3am that night and until 12:30am on Monday to put together a COTN-SD facebook and twitter (and I have ZERO experience with twitter). I wanted to create something efficient and professional so I took extra time to create new COTN logos specific for San Diego. Now, here I am Tuesday evening removing them because I was a little too ambitious to consider copyright laws. Oops!

            It will also take some time to get used to the idea that the shortest distance between the COTN-SD office and the San Diego community is a line through Washington. There are times when the spirit moves me and I want to be able to share that with others but I will need to humble myself and learn patience. I have never before been in a position where I am being entrusted in this way. It’s not simply “get it done”, but there are stipulations to getting it done correctly. Still, I have not yet felt like this is not something God will get me through. I enjoy learning and I suppose God knows that all too well.

            And I suppose God knows that I also like a challenge. I got a text from my apartment manager during the busy part of my day at the gym telling me that once again they want me to pay double my rent. So once again I don’t know what I am going to do. But I have been blessed with people in my life that will keep me from failing… and I am so absolutely grateful.

            And then God gives me a slap of reality and I’m humbled again. Our founder, Chris Clark, returned from Malawi with some upsetting and challenging news for COTN. It made me realize how trivial my problems are. With every fiber of myself, I want to be working to heal the wounds of this unmistakable spiritual war. By coming on staff with a Christian organization, you find out quickly that people love you and people hate you. It’s not just a job. It’s picking up a target and putting it on your back every day. It’s giving Satan something to focus on. It’s multiplying your problems exponentially.

            But don’t be discouraged. Beauty, joy, and accomplishment are also just as prevalent. There are those who are equipped with prayer, those equipped with grace, and those equipped with strength. Some are called to offer the other cheek and others are called to wear the breastplate and take up the sword and shield. I have always said that I didn’t believe God was going to make my life easy. I am finding that our expectations can shape who we are and what we will become. In that case, I am fairly certain that I will be going into the heart of battle. Although I may never achieve glory, I believe that I will be able to bring it.

Keep COTN (especially Malawi) in your prayers, as well as Chris’ peace of mind.

It was He who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up – Ephesians 4:11-12

10/10/10

          Today was a huge accomplishment for the Flood church. It was their tenth year anniversary celebration. They celebrated with music, dance, a message from Malawi, an incredible sermon, and a surprise for COTN! I’m getting ahead of myself.

          It was the usual crammed packed Sunday for me. In the rush of getting from one appointment to the other I found myself arriving 10 min late for our COTN meeting at Kearny High Library. This was the first impact meeting where we actually had a good turn out. Holly had everyone introduce themselves by stating their name, how they found out about COTN and what they are looking to get involved with. I continue to get re-inspired every time I see the passion to be a part of this organization in the eyes of others. I'm hoping to get on the DR/Haiti trip this February to experience what some of these people have. The ideas that were thrown out on the table were great! It gave us new possibilities, new directions. That’s my ideology showing itself. Ha!

           The passion and ambition of the Flood church has been a major fuel for COTN-SD. I can only imagine what could be accomplished if every church were moved as Flood moves.

          I thought about that as I sat through the meeting and heard the excitement of the congregation wafting through the open doors from the auditorium across the courtyard. Praises mixed with piano and electric guitar, the energy of dance and a drum cadence… It made me want to ask, “How do YOU worship?” Through song? Through service? Through quiet moments of grace? What other God welcomes such diverse ways to praise?

          The energy in that meeting was almost tangible. This wasn’t just a meeting. It was a movement. It didn’t feel like a lecture or a long drawn out process, but rather a coming together of friends with the same passion. I could sense how there were people in the circle who were excited to finally get their hands involved and have their voices heard. Everyone had something to offer.

          As I sat in the service listening to Matt talk about starting the Flood Church 10 years ago, I couldn’t help but relate. What if we all let God move in us the way he desires to be moving? What if everyone in this life kept from holding back? What if we all took the chance that might not be financially stable, or socially acceptable, or necessarily what we want to be doing? What if we all said, “Alright God, I’ll be the conduit. You have control.” What if we meant the words: We’re offering up our lives. A living sacrifice. That you would reign. That you would reign in us.Things may be difficult now, but 10 years from now I want to be sitting in Flood’s 20th anniversary service celebrating our own COTN-SD 10th year anniversary.

          The awesome thing is that Flood wants it too. Today Matt announced that the Flood church is donating $15,000 to COTN-SD to get the ministry started! We now have $15,010 in our account to start our own decade of growth. There is no limit to the possibilities of what can we accomplish. 10 years is a long time to be alive… if you’re truly alive.

          Thank you Flood and congratulations on your 10 years of being ALIVE!


I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. – Genesis 12:2-3

10/5/10

Yesterday was a full day of COTN. I met with Holly in the morning to start our day with a run. It was good to get outside my apartment (even in the rain) and forget about my problems for a while. In the unusual San Diego drizzle, the ocean met the sky and it seemed like the clouds were breaking and washing up on shore. Sometimes when I’m out I start to think, “If I could just run forever… never stop… leave all my stresses behind…”

We had our first Field Service weekly conference meeting. There were a few glitches trying to get everyone into the same conference session online, but it turned out well. I’m excited to see how these weekly meetings come together. Eventually we will have it figured out and it will be more structured, but it went well. It’s great to hear everyone working to bring everything full-circle.

We all know the things we need to get done and the things we need to have accomplished by others to aid in our own progress. The willingness of this group of people to jump on top of the issues and tackle them amazes me. It’s not like other jobs where the work is grudgingly done. We all see the need and we all want to fix the problem.

I spent the rest of the day with Holly typing up contact information, going over event details, assigning responsibilities, and swapping more emails than should be allowed in one day. We worked until well after the sun went down and by the time I got home around 7:30pm I was ready for a cup of tea and a movie to unwind.

This life right now is like quicksand. The more I struggle to gain footing, the deeper I sink. I find a promising branch to grab hold of and it breaks off in my hand. I found a roommate, but now work and finances have decided it’s their turn to dissolve before my eyes. I know my current job is in the way of my progress with COTN and my relationship with God. I hate it. I can’t believe I could put so many hours into something and get so little out of it. Financially and spiritually. It’s sucking me dry. Putting COTN on top of a swaying pile of To Do lists isn’t helping COTN either. I keep pressing on towards the day when it will be COTN held firmly in my hands.

I feel like Peter watching Jesus walk away as I start sinking beneath the waves. The clouds and the sea are becoming one and drowning me on every side. I look up and see Jesus and want to believe so badly but all these worldly things are weighing me down and I am doubting that I can make it. I just have to keep my head above water and my eyes focused on Christ. He WILL come back for me. I believe that with all my heart. Even though I have no idea how I am going to make ends meet, He will provide and this is the path He wants me to be following.

Of all the struggles this past week, the accomplishment I was most happy about is that I was able to tithe to Flood. To have something… anything… to give back to a church that has given so much to me means everything.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

9/26/10

Before all else… things I’m thankful for:

The breath within my lungs. Stillness. The heartbreakingly beautiful sunset and ocean and canyons that captivate me. The breeze. My family. The friends who won’t let me fall. Grace. And my God, my God, my God beyond my conception.

            This has been a very difficult week for me. In five days, I’m not sure if I’ll have a roof over my head, I don’t know that I will have money for gas and food after my rent (should I be lucky enough to have rent to pay), or how I will be paying for next months rent. Dad has instructed me to look for flights home for Christmas now before they get too expensive and they are already out of my price range, not to mention how I will be getting gifts for everyone. My credit card remains full of charges from my best friends wedding this past month, and the list goes on.

            At my community group this week, the lesson confronted each person about what they would like to be prayed for. Prayer and I do not always mix. I have a horrible problem with vocalizing prayer and when given the option, I’ll always pass on praying out loud. I also have a very difficult time asking for prayer for myself. This past year I came to a better understanding of prayer and really delved deep into my heart and considered, “What if… What if I really believed in the power of prayer? What if we all really believed that prayer is an active, living thing that has purpose and authority? I know we all are supposed to believe it, but do we really?” I finally came to the understanding that it’s not a matter of What if, but It already is! and that is truth. The power of prayer can be a terrifying thing, especially if you’re not sure you are doing it correctly.

            Fully believing in prayer has given me a strength, but also a severe reluctance. I’ve always been the suck-it-up and walk-it-off kind of person. I have a desire to provide and protect, but I stop short when it comes to myself. Knowing what others are going through, knowing that my concerns are minute in comparison, and knowing the power of prayer… how could I possibly ask for prayer when I KNOW there are others in the very same room who need it more than I? And that’s where I find myself; too ashamed to ask for prayer even though I know I need help.

            So when it was my turn, after hearing the difficulties my friends needed prayer for, I was simply going to ask for some kind of general prayer but as the words came out of my mouth I just seethed. I couldn’t take it. Holding back tears I explained that it was impossible for me to ask for prayer when people are struggling with worse. It’s simply not fair for me to take that away from them.

            Once again my friends proved just how important they are to me. My friend Jenn explained that she considered it a privilege to pray for me and I should never deny someone the joy of being able to do that for me. I do understand. I feel the same when I pray for others. So when everyone prayed aloud for each other, I could hear Jenn praying for me and at that point I couldn’t keep the tears back any longer. I wonder if that is what Peter felt when Jesus knelt down and washed his feet.

            Sometimes I wonder what wicked forces still lurk within me. I wonder if I harbor demons and fight with them every day. I know they often blind my eyes and whisper lies to me, and become a barrier to the movement of the spirit. But, oh those times when the wickedness weakens, the demons untangle their fingers from my mind and release their icy grip on my lungs. Those times when I am washed in the spirit and feel humbled by God’s grace. Those fleeting moments when my heart sings out praises and the doubt fades away and the darkness flees and I KNOW I am loved completely… those moments break every reserve within me and builds me up renewed.

            Tonight at the Flood service, Matt announced that he joined the board for COTN. I was so excited I wanted to jump out of my chair. To see so many people with such spiritual strength joining COTN is such an encouragement. It reaffirms the heart of this organization. It’s another little road sign telling me that I’m on the right path.

            Something else Matt said tonight as he described the journey of Chris (COTN’s founder) and his father to accept the task of helping children in Malawi, was, “That’s a hard call to take”. I think all of us who have committed to serving the Lord through COTN are taking a hard call. I believe it puts us at the front lines in a spiritual war. I’ve heard many amazing stories, but they have come out of great struggle. The common factor is not giving up and having faith in God. As I look at my battles and difficulties and am acutely aware of the uncertainty of tomorrow, I know the devil doesn’t give up easily.

But God doesn’t give up. Period!

The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. - Psalm 121:7-8

Each night before you go to bed, my baby

Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby

‘Cause you know it’s hard for me, my baby

When the darkest hour is just before dawn

(Dedicated to the One I Love) – Mamas & The Papas

9/20/10

            Back to work. After this past week, I’m going to have to figure out how to function. The meetings were long and I had a lot of trouble getting a grip on things because I’ve never had to deal with business issues. I’ve been an actor, a server, and a personal trainer. Pretty much the bottom of the business ladder where I simply did as I was told. Aside from being on a few councils or clubs in high school, I’ve never really been through a process like this. And I was foolish enough to offer to take notes!

            For the San Diegans (at least the new staff members), we were kind of in the dark. We had been officially on staff for a little over a week. Neither of us really had any idea of what the old system was so helping with the transition to the new was kind of beyond us. I remember looking over at Amber several times while taking notes and simply saying, “What?” with a desperate lost look on my face. But we did learn a lot and now have a better idea of the organization and everyone’s job.

            Holly, Amber, and I stayed with a girl named Megan. I have to say that she is probably one of the most interesting, level-headed, inspiring people I’ve met. It’s people like that who remind me that there is a harmony about things and that we are all living for something more. We stayed at Megan’s parent’s house. Their house was in a little town called Seabeck. It was such a beautiful spot. It reminded me so much of the Smokey Mountains. Amber was especially happy about the huckleberries on the property. And we are all glad to find that she isn’t allergic to them.

            Each day on our way to the conference, we passed a lake with the mountains in the background. I loved seeing the fog lifting out of the trees. And it rained for two days. One of those slow, steady, calming rains. Ah… I think I left half of my heart in Seabeck.

By the time I we left I had a better understanding of COTN, met a bunch of talented people with a heart for the Lord, heard so many incredible stories I couldn’t hold back the tears, and discovered a whole new family. I was welcomed into homes, given advice, cooked for, prayed for, and enjoyed the best kind of company.

As I sat drifting in and out of sleep on the plane ride home, I couldn’t help but think about how I didn’t really want to go back everything I had left in San Diego. Yes, I love it here, but right now there are just so many road blocks to being able to work full time with COTN. Trying to find a roommate, worrying about my dwindling paychecks, having to raise my support, get the relay up and running, starting boot camp, comforting my friend, and finding time to do it all at the same time.

God provides. If I learned anything at all this past week, it’s that God provides… in his own perfect timing.

When I made up my mind

And my heart along with that

To live not for myself

But yet for God, somebody said

Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

(Getting Into You) - Relient K 

9/12/10

            I am currently flying over the California Mountains on my way to Seattle, WA for the COTN conference. I am excited to dive into everything we have planned for the upcoming year. I have missed being engaged in a class-like atmosphere. I sometimes miss college lecture halls… well… the classes I found exceptionally interesting. I have no doubt that my excitement might fizzle after 30+ hours of conference meetings and discussions. However, for the moment, I am just going to sit back and enjoy the thrill of being a part of something new.

This will be the first time I have ever been to Washington and Seattle is actually a place I’d like to live at some point in my life. Before moving to San Diego I had only been as far west as Hoover Dam. I have plenty of time to enjoy the Seattle airport since my flights got switched and now I’m on a direct flight to Seattle with no lay over. I will be arriving close to 3 hours early. Maybe I should have planned to do my blogging then.

From the information trickling down to me, I’m finding that the San Diego offices, despite having gone from 1 to 3 staff members less than 2 weeks ago, are holding their own. It seems that our vision and determination is not going unnoticed by the national office. There is something about this group coming from San Diego, notorious for being laid back, and the Flood church affiliated with us that is causing us to strike out like a boy in his youth being convinced of his invincibility.

The way I see it, Holly, Amber, and I have nothing left to lose. We are certainly not invincible, but we are not incapable either. And though there is fault and failure in human endeavors, there is only promise with the pursuit of an initiative pleasing to God. Why shouldn’t we be excited? Why shouldn’t we go gung-ho? If God is for us, who can be against us?

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.” Take Courage – 1 Peter 3:14

9/11/10

Unfortunate News – The 5K race has been cancelled. I received an email today from our contact at the San Diego Running Institute. This has cut our prep time significantly. This is a rather large blow to our fund raising plan and comes when I’m already worried about money issues. I must stay positive:

POSITIVE POINTS: 

• We still have a contact with SDRI for the possibility of a future race.
• We get to test our creativity and efficiency to come up with a new fund raiser for October.
• My father had a great idea for an event.
• We are alive.
• God loves us.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. – Proverbs 16:3

(Side note: I walked the Freedom Walk this morning in memory of those who perished in the 9/11 attacks. May God continually comfort all those involved and protect this nation.)